the ex and i kept seeing each other since i/we broke it off mid-december. it was all very clear - we liked each other's company but we weren't in a relationship (i'd put an end to our relationship because i wasn't in love with her and thought it wasn't fair). it would go on until someone would start feeling a bit more towards the other. so we called each other up almost as much as before and spent most of our days off together. we looked forward to her spending the night at my place, which happened a couple of times a week. i kept asking her if she was alright with out arrangement and she always was. it was cool. we knew it would have to stop at some point in the future but for the time being we were both enjoying ourselves and cared for each other tremendously. but a guy just entered the picture. she liked and pursued him last year but to no avail. but he just came back in the picture last friday. i picked her up at 1 am after work. she'd told me a friend of hers swing by but he would be gone by then so it was alright. well, i dropped by and there he was, sitting at the kitchen table with his empty McDonald's bag. i sat down and talked with them, waiting for her to send him packing so we could go and go to bed. i couldn't say anything because our little arrangement is little-known amongst our friends. this guy just kept on talking even though it was obvious i was just deadweight at the table waiting for it to end. after about 45 minutes he got up to leave ... but he stopped in the living room, took the Coldplay tab book and sat down to play some of its tunes. dammit. anyway. at 2 am he was finally gone so we left. i was pissed at the guy but also pissed because she didn't have the balls to tell him to go. she just sheepishly told me he just wasn't leaving. well, hell, if you want him to leave so bad, tell him. anyway. that was done. all was good. then this morning she calls me and it seems she went to the movie theater with this guy and his brother. it's obvious she's at the very least curious but she doesn't seem to wanna even acknowledge that to herself. i thought she didn't want to deal with him because of last year's failed attempt. this is the impression she was giving me. anyway. i asked her what she was doing tonight after work. we could watch tonight's 24. she said sure, she was all excited. then i asked her what she'd be doing after that. she said maybe take a walk. i said, 'what?' she wasn't comfortable with spending the night. hmm. i had to ask her if it was because of the guy and she said some of it, yeah. half an hour later and we're broken off again. and this time we didn't even have an official relationship to break off:) anyway. she wasn't sure she understood why i was pissed. she asked if i was in love with her, knowing i wasn't. i asked her how she'd be if i told her i'd seen this girl friend of ours twice last week and that maybe i was interested. she said she'd be pissed and wouldn't wanna speak to me again. that's it, i said (not the 'never talk to me again' part, the first one). she got it.
okay. we weren't in a relationship but what we had had every aspect of it. we knew it would end at some point, i'm just shocked it's this sudden. i'm bitter about it. she also feels fucked about it, though. she didn't want it to end this way. seeing her and doing things with her (yeah, even the non-dirty stuff:) was a big part of my life for the past few weeks. i'd gotten used to it, calling her up whenever we felt like seeing each other and spending the night. now it's over, it seems. but after all that loss, i did feel a moment freedom and some hope. so i'm not devastated. but i'll miss her company.
thanks for listening:)
Posted by Anonymous | 3:01 PM
